The Terrible Truth…
February 11, 2009
I don’t want to say it…I especially don’t want to write it…but in my heart I know I need to.
I have not done my best.
For my husband. For my family. For my daughter. For myself.
I don’t know when it all happened. I think it was a slow progression when certain things I used to hold as very important to keep in order slowly didn’t seem so important anymore. I am not a bad wife. I am not a bad mother. I hope I am not a bad friend. I just want to be my best. Not The best. That would be impossible. My best.
Taking care of my house as a treasured gift to have. Supporting and loving my husband no matter what his response or lack there of may be and holding him at all times in respect for the man, friend and leader that he is. Investing and soaking up every precious moment with my little girl who with every short tempered word I may speak when frustration sets in holds just as much if not more value to her than every love filled I Love You that I give her.
I feel the need to admit that more often than I want to think I have taken advantage of all I have been given. I thnk we all do. But I don’t want to be that way anymore. You never know when the things you treasure most will change or possibly not be yours to treasure any longer. I want to fully embrace each moment as a gift, making the most out of each and every opportunity and I just haven’t been living that way.
So what have I done to change that? I made a list. A list of things that I know are important to my husband, to my daughter, to others I care for and also to myself. Some of the things on my list are things I am excited to do, while others are not easy for me to do nor do I necessarily want to do them. But at the end of the day, they are things that I need to do and I know that the outcome of being diligent in them all come back to one thing: Doing the absolute best with what I have been given. All of which I do not deserve. Strange to be excited about getting some more discipline in my life…I guess that’s how you know God is up to something.
And So It Goes…
January 30, 2009
Well, the day has come and gone. Our baby turned 3 years ol
d yesterday. This morning nothing out of the ordinary has taken place. Bella was directing me in her squeaky little voice from her end of the house to come free her from her bed at around 9:15. I enter her room, turn off her noise maker and am then informed of the events that have taken place in her little bed throughout the last 12 hrs. and for an added bonus she also begins the timeline with recalling exactly how she went to bed and anything that happened in the few hours before that the night before. Snuggled up in my arms in her non-pee soaked Pull-Up (WHOO-HOO!!) we hurry through the house with Paddington Bear, Max the bunny and her 3 brand new stuffed mice (who happen to be named Cat, Stripey Cat and Lots of Cats) and of course her pink blankie all in tow. The goal is to get back into my bed and under the covers before they loose their heat on my side of the bed…and yes that is an admission that 99% of the time I do stay in bed, sleeping, until the very second that Bella wakes up. We snuggle deep under the covers and get warm once again. I don’t know why I do that to myself knowing that in a matter of a few minutes I am going to be asked to get her something to eat from the kitchen. After a few still, warm, quiet minutes together, her order for breakfast is placed and I search for the remote in our comforter from where ever it got burried last night between Andy and I after the sleep timer shut off the Church Channel. And then the day begins.
This particualar morning, as I sat under the covers in our bed with my laptop and Bella sitting next to me watching Clifford the Big Red Dog something occurred to me. It came about in a conversation…yet it was not with another adult but with my little girl…who is becoming a little person…right before my eyes.
Bella: Momma, you said you were gonna just do a little tiny wook (work) and you are doing a big wook because you awe still on yo compewter.
Me: Well Bella I am writing on my blog about you being 3 years old now.
Bella: Well, I want to wook in my jewnal (journal) den.
Me: Alright. Hey Bella, what do you want to do today?
Bella: I don’t know Momma………..What do you want to do today?
Me: I’d like to go to the gym.
Bella: Ok, in a little bit let’s get dwessed and den we can go to the gym. And den we can have lunch togedew (together) and come back home. Maybe we can get Daddy fwom wook if he wants to go wun (run) at da gym today. Does dat sound good to you Mom?
I just stared at her. Here was my little baby, next to me with a pen in her hand intently writing “stories” in her journal, making an agenda for the day. I saw her differently this morning. She was a little person. Our little person. At that moment I put down the computer and took her little body in my arms. I held her closer than I ever remember holding her. I smelled her hair, and kissed her tiny hands that aren’t so tiny anymore. I just held her there, my sweet little baby who has a whole world just waiting on the other side of the walls of this house. As if my heart couldn’t get any more full, this sweet little girl turns her eyes up to me and with such beauty simply says to me…
“Momma, I just love you so much”.
“I love you too baby. I love you too.”
The Not-So-Christmas Time-Christmas Letter
January 9, 2009
Long past due, yet here it is…
2008….Oh 2008. You went by so very quickly yet you were a year for the books.
For the Tilly’s 2008 started out in a bit if a haze. Lot’s of learning and hard lessons had come at the end of 2007 that left us sort of walking around trying to figure out which way was up. Yet as strange as I am sure that sounds, January 1st of 2008 marked the beginning of a year that was going to be packed full of some life-changing firsts and a few regrettable seconds and thirds. In it all, the theme for 2008 for our little family was learning and living in knowing that God is God and God is good…in all things.
Bella turned 2 in late January of 2008. What a crazy little woman she has become with her 3rd birthday just around the corner. The last year she has started to really show who Isabella Grace Tilly is going to be. We still have the picture that our dear friend for life Evan took of her the day that we moved into this house. In June we celebrated the year anniversary of that day and it was really strange to think it had already been a year and I was still waiting for it to feel like home. Once the traveling schedule for Andy slowed down a little and he was here more it started to finally feel like we were settled for a season. Being at Crosstimbers has been a blessing and we are enjoying the process. Having Andy home this much during the last year for the first time in our marriage has had its rewards and challenges, yet it is a season that I will truly treasure in the years to come when I know him coming home each day to have dinner and sleep in our bed will simply not always be the case.
As I said, 2008 was a year of firsts for us. Of course so was 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004. I guess that’s just how life is laid out for Andy and I. We celebrated our first year in our home. I had my first opportunity to cook for people on a regular basis and loved it. I am still trying to get the confidence to get myself out there and do it some more. We did host our first family holiday at Thanksgiving where the meal turned out pretty good if I might say so myself. Andy and I took our first trip to Italy which was nothing short of amazing. We had our first round of family-pass-the-vomit-bug and that was interesting. I started writing my first book. I had my first EKG (which was a humilaiting experience to say the least, yet I was pleased to have found no issues other than the Dr’s office probably thinking I was just a pain-pill junkie since there was never a reason found for the stabbing pain in my chest). I had my first Big Girl Night with my precious Bella which led to many Big Girl Days where I watched her order her first lunch on her own and tell the waitress “Thank you fo my lunch boy”. I cooked with her for the first time. Saw her learn to play soccer, dig up worms in the backyard only to re-bury them hoping they would turn into snakes, and of course learn to play catch with a pair of my panties while her and Andy both snickered at my humiliation. Bella also had her first “Skunking Daddy” experience when she caught 2 fish at the lake and he did not. That was truly a moment near and dear to my own heart. We bought our first car as a married couple. Handy Andy made his most impressive appearances to date with installing a hot water heater in 107 degree heat in our attic the night before Father’s Day, single-handedly hooking up our new dishwasher and of course completing a successful overhaul of our guest bathroom toilet and the sheetrock behind it.
More firsts…We got a glimpse of more of God’s promises coming true for us this last year as well. God ended up having more plans for us at Crosstimbers than we had originally thought when Andy accepted the position to take over the leadership of the kids ministry in addition to the youth. It was an easy choice with so many great people already in place. So much growth and learning has come with the leadership opportunities at Crosstimbers , but also a very exciting open door came with a simple phone call…Featured Speaker: Andy Tilly Falls Creek 2009. Our goal to reach as many people as possible in the most effective way is coming true in more ways at once than we had thought. Visions and dreams that were given to us years and years ago…we have seen parts of them come into reality. More times this year than in years before my breath has been taken away. I would like to say that some of the hurtful situations that come up while being in leadership were in the “firsts” category but that is just not true. They were not the first and they will surely not be the last. But it’s just part of the job and at the end of the day, God knows the hearts in each and every situation and it is His job to take care of business. Not mine.
2008 was a great year. It was tough, exciting, challenging and unexpected all at the same time. 2009 is here and already on it’s way to be the best year yet. I am truly thankful for all that we have lived in years past and also for what I know we will see in our years to come.
You’ve been good to me old friend…
January 2, 2009
Alright, it only took me getting a new laptop to be able to access my blog again! Of course we did not get this wonderful brand new shiny computer with only this blog in mind. Yet over the last 2 weeks my old computer had decided to redirect me every time I tried to view my own blog on it! Andy could still see it from his and so could others who I had vented to about the situation, so I knew it was still there somewhere. I was happy to know that my very own new piece of modern technology was on it’s way to our home and soon be my open door to get access back to this silly little story every day life in the Tilly House: Denton, TX Location.
So to you, my trusty old laptop that for almost 4 years has been by my side I say goodbye. You were a dear friend when I needed to vent many times by writing letters that I never intended to send and only saved in “my documents” until I got scared enough that someone might come across it and so I would then give it a quick send to the recycle bin. You were also many times my only connection to the outside world as I sat alone for days and sometimes weeks with no car and a new born baby. You have started this blog, you have searched for many recipes. You have edited the books we have written and been the beginning for those yet to be finished. One of the best things about you my dear old pal, you were free as a gift from my wonderful Daddy. Having said all of that, I feel the need in our goodbye to say that as dear to my heart as you have been, you have become quite slow from your years of service and to be honest, lately I believe you to be fire hazard due to the fact that your battery was able to reach the level of heat that could simply ignite into battery acid filled flames here on our lovely couch at any given moment.
Friends
December 18, 2008
I must admit that even though there are a lot of places where Andy and I are alike, one place that we are not is his ability to maintain relationships with people over long periods of time despite any physical distance between them. Several months ago I finally got to spend some time with a dear friend of Andy’s named David. David and Andy first met in like the 5th grade and to this day, when times get though they are still there for eachother even though they are now both in their 30’s with busy lives of their own (that’s right if you read this Andy…I said that you are in your 30’s because you are). I on the other hand, even though I know that a few of my longtime friends would not hesitate to find me if they needed me, I know for a few more that isn’t true.
I can say that some of the relationships that I had to let go were for the better. Some I truly, truly miss. I know how ridiculous this sounds but through Facebook I have been able to step out there and maintain better contact with those that I would like to restore a closeness with. But the truth of it is that even though I can be in contact with those few from the past through wall posts and status updates, I found myself aching for the closeness of a true friend who I can see, laugh with and sit across from at lunch while we wipe the snotty noses of our kids with tissues we pull from our hoodie pockets. Now don’t get me wrong, there are lots and lots of people who I really like and enjoy spending time with and getting to know. But finding that person who I can melt to when I have failed as a wife or mother, who I can vent to when the stresses of marriage and being in ministry get to me, or who I can laugh with at something totally inappropriate and not have to think twice about it has been tough. I don’t think that’s just me. I think that most people who have found themselves having to build relationships from scratch as an adult can relate. Finding someone who understands life in the fish-bowl makes the challenge all the more interesting.
A few months ago God must have noticed that I was drowning in loneliness and torturing my husband in the process by expecting him to be provider, partner, husband and best gal-pal all at the same time and gave He me a holy kick in the tail to get me moving on finding someone to really connect with. I couldn’t be more thrilled to have found someone down here who’s humor, husband, child and life is so similar to mine. We can grocery shop together, spank our kids together, appreciate the awesomeness of the most amazing blender ever made together and almost burn up dinner in the oven after forgetting that we were cooking anything together. (BTW, thank you to my new friend. And also I am posting this on your wall on Facebook, sending it to you in an email, reading it to you on your voicemail, leaving it in a note in your car, arranging for you to have it tattooed on your body and sending you a singing telegram of this post. Joking…but seriously Bella is currently throwing a massive fit after I opened the front door and she realized that your son was not on the other side of it even though she spent the entire day with him yesterday.)
I am writing all of this because I wish that a little over a year ago when I was in a very dark and very sad place in my life that I had come across a post like this. Something coming from someone who knows what it’s like to be married to a life where it can be lonely at the top and the question of “Who can I possibly talk to” is an everyday occurance. To those of you who are in the same position of the hunt for true friendship in the midst of ministry and life in the fish-bowl I will tell you there is something to be said for going with your gut when God might be bringing someone your way. Isolation, ministry and loneliness can be a very, very dangerous combination and I know that first hand. Getting to truly know someone new is an odd process and I am still in it. It doesn’t happen overnight and it takes effort. However, it feels much better than it does to not have taken the chance.
All is well…
December 9, 2008
It was Monday November 10th on a plane back from Italy that I first started to feel like I was getting sick. Literally one month later we are all finally well. Bella started the puke fest off the day after we got home from our trip to Rome and Venice which started a cycle of terrible colds, random fevers, a little more stomach bug for the family to share and ended with me hooked up to an EKG machine while my darling mother and daughter watched me (bare chested mind you…me not my mother) get checked to be sure that the extreme stabbing pain I had in my chest was not a heart attack. Yes, yes it has been a very long and very nasty month. Did I forget to mention that we have had house guests every week for the entire month as well? Which I didn’t mind at all, I was just nervous that we were going to get them sick somehow even though I have Lysol-ed this house from top to bottom so much that if I smell the scent of Mountain Mist anytime soon I am going to probably vomit.
Today Bella finally returned to school after a month of being away from her buddies. Poor kid, I know she is destined to bring some tiny germ ready to infest her body once again but at least I got to make good on my promise to her that one day she would finally get to go back to school.
The good news is, we are all well at this point and we are all here to live another day together. I may be getting out the puke towel or calling about an ear infection once again 24 hrs. from now due to a poor infected kid at childcare coming in close contact with my little girl. I may have a fear hanging over my head that at any moment I am going to have a stabbing sensation in my lungs again since we never found out what the crap that was. And I may have a toilet in our guest bath tub since Andy took out half of the wall trying to find a water leak and now left toilet-less in our guest bathroom with more house guests coming to town tomorrow and again on Friday. Yet, at least we are here in a nice warm home with plenty of food to eat, good friends nearby, money in the bank, our Bella-decorated Christmas tree in the corner and lots of love . Even in the chaos, life is good.
Tilly Family Thanksgiving 2008
November 29, 2008
Our week started with excitement of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and has now officially ended with the excitement to do it all over again next year. Of course there was a major terrorist attack, a few spankins for the little one, a few hours of sleep lost and at least one kid with a fever all somewhere in-between, yet today we have nothing but good memories and hope for what happens in the time before we host the Day of Thanks at our home once again.
The holiday itself which in Tilly style was a 48 hr. on-going event of eating, laughing, more eating, some drinks here and there, eating again and chasing kids around was awesome. It has been to long since we have all been together with no one having to rush off to get back to our lives that are probably too busy. Although it was sad not to have my Mom with us, she was of course having the time of her life even in the midst of a full-scale terrorist attack in the city of Mumbai, India where she was staying with her travel buddy Deletha. Of course there were times when fear was hanging in the wings for them I have no doubt but to those of you who know Beth Kuykendall…she is quite the brave one. In fact when I finally got to talk to her before they flew out to London she actually called it all an adventure in ministry. Adventure? Yep that’s my Momma. I simply told her that back at home our “adventure” via CNN was not very fun at all. Through tears of joy to hear her voice and frustration for the fear that had taken my family over my last 24 hours I gave her this statement…and I quote “Mother I love you very much, but you scared the hell out of me. And if they start blowing up crap and shooting people in London, I am going to have to demand that you go ahead and get on home”. She laughed her laugh that sounds so much like my own and agreed. Of course she went on to finish her adventure around the world in London and should be back home to us tomorrow.
My Daddy who was exhausted due to dealing with having his wife so far away from him yet only 45 minutes away from real danger was with us for both night of the Tilly Family Extravaganza and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. He and Andy’s dad (also Jim) both have very similar experiences in the business world and I am sure that in NYC in the late 80’s and early 90’s passed each other hundreds of times. It was great to hear them tell stories and laugh at the same things. I am so lucky to have the amazing father that I have. To have Andy’s dad be as much fun and supportive as he is, that is just a bonus that I can’t really explain. It was really neat to get to see them together once again.
Now as Andy and I sit on the couch as tired as we should be we can’t wait to have some of our dear friends come join us for a seafood feast…yes yet another feast and a night of laughter and relaxing. Not a whole lot more that I could ask for right now. And by the way…the food was freakin awesome. I pulled it off and loved every single second of it.
