The Terrible Truth…
February 11, 2009
I don’t want to say it…I especially don’t want to write it…but in my heart I know I need to.
I have not done my best.
For my husband. For my family. For my daughter. For myself.
I don’t know when it all happened. I think it was a slow progression when certain things I used to hold as very important to keep in order slowly didn’t seem so important anymore. I am not a bad wife. I am not a bad mother. I hope I am not a bad friend. I just want to be my best. Not The best. That would be impossible. My best.
Taking care of my house as a treasured gift to have. Supporting and loving my husband no matter what his response or lack there of may be and holding him at all times in respect for the man, friend and leader that he is. Investing and soaking up every precious moment with my little girl who with every short tempered word I may speak when frustration sets in holds just as much if not more value to her than every love filled I Love You that I give her.
I feel the need to admit that more often than I want to think I have taken advantage of all I have been given. I thnk we all do. But I don’t want to be that way anymore. You never know when the things you treasure most will change or possibly not be yours to treasure any longer. I want to fully embrace each moment as a gift, making the most out of each and every opportunity and I just haven’t been living that way.
So what have I done to change that? I made a list. A list of things that I know are important to my husband, to my daughter, to others I care for and also to myself. Some of the things on my list are things I am excited to do, while others are not easy for me to do nor do I necessarily want to do them. But at the end of the day, they are things that I need to do and I know that the outcome of being diligent in them all come back to one thing: Doing the absolute best with what I have been given. All of which I do not deserve. Strange to be excited about getting some more discipline in my life…I guess that’s how you know God is up to something.
Time Moving On.
January 24, 2009
I cannot believe that January is almost over. 2009 is already flying past me and that’s a little unsettling but exciting at the same time. Sure there are times when I wish time could stand still. Times when I am on the couch snuggled under a blanket watching my little girl run with such uncontrollable joy into the living room to taunt Andy to chase her knowing all she wants is to be caught in his strong arms and tickled until she is nearly out of breath. Times when my she falls asleep on my lap while she is waiting for Andy to come home, her little heart filled with excitement and anticipation, yet her little body exhausted and so comfortable next to her Momma that the weight of her eyelids eventually wins the battle. Times when Andy and I are in some part of the world we never thought we would see, experiencing things in our life that few people get to experience.
I don’t want Bella to grow up, I don’t want Andy or I to get old…yet time moving forward I have found to be an experience that I am quite enjoying. Time moving forward means sitting at a table for lunch with our little family of 3, listening to Bella order what she wants for lunch and then Andy and I intently listening as she tells us all about her time at Chuckie Cheese with her best buddy a few days before and then onto how much she wants to learn to roller skate like the big kids. Time moving on means getting to hear from the heart of the little person I love more than words can express randomly tell me how much she loves me…”as big as the sky is” and of course even better is to hear her admiration for her Daddy in a way that shows that in her tiny little way she knows how amazing he truly is…”Momma, my Daddy can do any-hing. An he Loves me Big Big.” Time moving on means learning more and more about the man that I love and the people we were made to be, separate and together. Time moving on means seeing more and more of God’s promises coming true as well as His surprises showing up from time to time, sometimes good and sometimes not so good, yet all part of the plan that’s a lot bigger than me so I am in for whatever it takes.
Time moving on isn’t so bad…as long as you don’t let it go without seeing how truly remarkable every minute of it is.
The Not-So-Christmas Time-Christmas Letter
January 9, 2009
Long past due, yet here it is…
2008….Oh 2008. You went by so very quickly yet you were a year for the books.
For the Tilly’s 2008 started out in a bit if a haze. Lot’s of learning and hard lessons had come at the end of 2007 that left us sort of walking around trying to figure out which way was up. Yet as strange as I am sure that sounds, January 1st of 2008 marked the beginning of a year that was going to be packed full of some life-changing firsts and a few regrettable seconds and thirds. In it all, the theme for 2008 for our little family was learning and living in knowing that God is God and God is good…in all things.
Bella turned 2 in late January of 2008. What a crazy little woman she has become with her 3rd birthday just around the corner. The last year she has started to really show who Isabella Grace Tilly is going to be. We still have the picture that our dear friend for life Evan took of her the day that we moved into this house. In June we celebrated the year anniversary of that day and it was really strange to think it had already been a year and I was still waiting for it to feel like home. Once the traveling schedule for Andy slowed down a little and he was here more it started to finally feel like we were settled for a season. Being at Crosstimbers has been a blessing and we are enjoying the process. Having Andy home this much during the last year for the first time in our marriage has had its rewards and challenges, yet it is a season that I will truly treasure in the years to come when I know him coming home each day to have dinner and sleep in our bed will simply not always be the case.
As I said, 2008 was a year of firsts for us. Of course so was 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004. I guess that’s just how life is laid out for Andy and I. We celebrated our first year in our home. I had my first opportunity to cook for people on a regular basis and loved it. I am still trying to get the confidence to get myself out there and do it some more. We did host our first family holiday at Thanksgiving where the meal turned out pretty good if I might say so myself. Andy and I took our first trip to Italy which was nothing short of amazing. We had our first round of family-pass-the-vomit-bug and that was interesting. I started writing my first book. I had my first EKG (which was a humilaiting experience to say the least, yet I was pleased to have found no issues other than the Dr’s office probably thinking I was just a pain-pill junkie since there was never a reason found for the stabbing pain in my chest). I had my first Big Girl Night with my precious Bella which led to many Big Girl Days where I watched her order her first lunch on her own and tell the waitress “Thank you fo my lunch boy”. I cooked with her for the first time. Saw her learn to play soccer, dig up worms in the backyard only to re-bury them hoping they would turn into snakes, and of course learn to play catch with a pair of my panties while her and Andy both snickered at my humiliation. Bella also had her first “Skunking Daddy” experience when she caught 2 fish at the lake and he did not. That was truly a moment near and dear to my own heart. We bought our first car as a married couple. Handy Andy made his most impressive appearances to date with installing a hot water heater in 107 degree heat in our attic the night before Father’s Day, single-handedly hooking up our new dishwasher and of course completing a successful overhaul of our guest bathroom toilet and the sheetrock behind it.
More firsts…We got a glimpse of more of God’s promises coming true for us this last year as well. God ended up having more plans for us at Crosstimbers than we had originally thought when Andy accepted the position to take over the leadership of the kids ministry in addition to the youth. It was an easy choice with so many great people already in place. So much growth and learning has come with the leadership opportunities at Crosstimbers , but also a very exciting open door came with a simple phone call…Featured Speaker: Andy Tilly Falls Creek 2009. Our goal to reach as many people as possible in the most effective way is coming true in more ways at once than we had thought. Visions and dreams that were given to us years and years ago…we have seen parts of them come into reality. More times this year than in years before my breath has been taken away. I would like to say that some of the hurtful situations that come up while being in leadership were in the “firsts” category but that is just not true. They were not the first and they will surely not be the last. But it’s just part of the job and at the end of the day, God knows the hearts in each and every situation and it is His job to take care of business. Not mine.
2008 was a great year. It was tough, exciting, challenging and unexpected all at the same time. 2009 is here and already on it’s way to be the best year yet. I am truly thankful for all that we have lived in years past and also for what I know we will see in our years to come.
Am I stressed about Christmas shopping? No…because we don’t do any.
December 3, 2008
First of all, Andy and I aren’t big present people. In fact, we are those people who barely even get each other an actual birthday present. Rather we opt for a vacation of some sort. That way we both get to enjoy it! However I will say Andy has asked for a vacation by himself for his birthday…which yes did really make me mad. But that’s just Andy, bless his quirky little heart. We are also those people who are unfortunately known for never bringing a present to an event where 7 out of 10 people brought a present. Basically, if the invitation isn’t for some sort of baby or wedding shower then we probably aren’t going to think to bring anything. It’s not like we do it on purpose, I just think that since we aren’t present people we really don’t even remotely think about it. Bad habit I guess, but with us it’s more about the time and the people and not about what we get from someone else. But that’s just the way we are. Andy and I are alike in so many ways and I love it…most of the time. I guess we figure that even if we are odd, we are perfectly odd together.
Our first Christmas together we decided to spend $150 on each other at the last minute. And by last minute I mean on Christmas Eve. Andy got me a candle, some shampoo and conditioner and some clothes I think that I took back. I got him a gym bag that he hated and never even used…not once, and a few shirts, one of which he actually liked and the others he took back as well so no, it wasn’t just me. Oh yea, I got him a Pin-Pong paddle too but that was more to show him that I knew he had been playing Ping-Pong with his buddy Mark at random times during the day when he had told me he had “meetings” for work. Anyway, after that year we kind of decided not to worry about it and just relax during the holiday. I should say we started buying gifts for at least our kid when she was born, yet that isn’t true. We just figured so many people give her presents that we will allow them to take all of the credit and joy…and debt on that deal. I think this year we might need to get her at least something. But honestly more than 2 gifts and I would be shocked.
I think as a family this year (The Kuykendall’s) we are kicking any present buying for anyone but the little ones and I am excited about. I couldn’t tell you what I would even ask for as a gift for Christmas anyway. I just don’t think about it. We are looking into the whole Advent Conspiracy thing and that is right up my alley. It’s funny that Christians do Christmas just like the rest of America…shouldn’t that be like the ONE holiday where we look different that everyone else? And not just by adding a Christmas Eve service to the mass chaos this season has turned into? Anyway, that’s just me.
Is nothing sacred?
November 25, 2008
This is a story that all mothers out there will appreciate. At the start of motherhood or when becoming a wife if you are like me, our lives are immediately tailored to fitting the needs of those we call our family. No more buying only what you want or need from the grocery store. No more only doing laundry when only the clothes that you personally wore need washing. No more sleeping as long as you would like. No more trips to the bathroom alone. The list goes on and on…
I had planned a nice dinner last night however when Andy got home it was apparent he was not too hungry and I was not about to spend an hour on something that wasn’t even needed. It worked out perfectly because I had been balancing trying to get the menu and grocery lists made for this week’s 3-day family extravaganza, house work and a crazy daughter who seemed to decide that yesterday was the national holiday of Crying and Screaming for No Reason Day and she was obviously showing her support.
Around 7:00 in the evening there was a pause in the hustle and bustle of the house. Andy and Bella were playing in the other room and “play” is not being used as a relative term here being that they were actually playing and not torturing eachother. I took it as an opportunity to have a small slice of Me time and went into the kitchen to heat up a Lean Cuisine for my humble dinner. As I stood there thinking of the simple pleasure of a few quiet minutes to myself without Andy needing laundry done or dinner cooked and with Bella not demanding a snack or every shred of my attention I started to realize how much I really, really need to take more time like this for myself. Then I heard the sound of the laughter that was previously in our bedroom moving out into the living room. There were Andy and Bella playing a game of catch.
“How sweet is that?” I thought to myself. “Maybe I don’t need any Me time afterall…this isn’t so bad…”
However that thought was short lived when the two of them showed that they could find yet another new way to take a little more of myself away from me and use it for their personal gain. There they were, laughing, running and tossing something back and forth to eachother happy as could be. Nothing wrong with that…accept of course for the fact the the item of choice for this little game was not a ball or a toy, but a pair of my panties. And not even ones that I am proud of…the ones that we all have but pretend like they don’t exist that come up to your belly-button.
Not only was my pair of Granny Panties the focus of attention in the middle of our living room, Andy felt the need to point out the size and shape of the underwear itself. Which were statements of course that led he and Bella to both laugh…at me.
To You…
September 17, 2008
In the Denton, TX Tilly Location (aka our house), birthdays are usually a 7-8 day on going ordeal. I started this tradition before Andy and I were married mostly because of the fact that I wanted to use my birthday for as much spoiling as I possibly could. At first Andy thought this was stupid, however now 4 years later he has slowly progressed from 2 days of fun…to 4 days of fun…to an entire week. Now where are we? Well he has decided that the entire month of September would be acceptable. And to be honest, I don’t mid that one, tiny, single bit. So even though the actual birthday of my husband was yesterday…the festivities continue…
Why in the world would I want to spend as many days as I can spoiling my husband? Good question…
He has changed my life.
He inspires me like no one else can.
He knows my good parts and bad parts.
He loves me despite myself.
He gave me a whole new meaning to laughter.
He is by my side as we both try to figure out how to do life the best we can.
He loves me in ways that I am still learning to love myself.
He has given me a life that so very often just living it with him is a reminder of how much God loves me and how good, big, strong, powerful and gracious God really is.
So Andy, here’s to another year…even if you don’t read this I am sure someone will tell you about it…
Barb
A Promise to My Baby…
September 9, 2008
When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse…
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you loose something that you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse…
Lights with guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When your too in love to let it go
But if you never try then you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down your face
When you loose something you cannot replace
Tears stream, down your face
And I…
Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from mistakes
Tears stream, down your face
And I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try…to fix you
Fix You by Coldplay
It’s not about the ring…
September 3, 2008
So since people have now heard about “the ring incident” I have heard one question over and over again.
What are you going to do?
A friend of mine, Andrea was the first to ask. My response to her was actually an email that was written through a few tears. For some reason this morning I was drawn to go back and read exactly what I had written. I don’t know why, but I did. Yet after reading it I realized that maybe it was a thought that could be worth sharing…
“Yes…devastation is a word that I would like to use, however when it comes down to it…it’s just the ring. I am sad for sure, but honestly things could be worse. I loved, LOVED my ring. It was and always will be very important to me. I doubted even putting it on the blog, yet I think later it can be a story to remind women that it’s not about the ring. It’s about what remains at the end of the day, ring or no ring, it’s my marriage, it’s my kid, it’s my life, it’s God still giving me what I so, so, so don’t deserve. That’s what counts. That’s what matters. I had hoped to give that ring to the man that proposes to my daughter. But after I got over the “I can’t breathe. I want to puke. I can’t even think.” mode I looked down and there was my precious baby girl standing the the kitchen asking Daddy why Mommy was so sad. I guess I just figure that even if I have to wear a Wal-Mart Special on my finger for a little while, that is more than ok. Lesson learned: Don’t leave your ring by the sink. Bigger Lesson Learned: Don’t make the ring be all that you count on.”
By the way, for those of you who are curious, No we do not know exactly how the rather heavy ring made the 8 inch leap and direct hit into the dead center of the garbage disposal without making a sound. And yes, Andy was understanding, calm and very tender with my poor crying self as we picked the pieces of steak fat away from the twisted remnants. Also interesting to add, yes this did happen the very night that I had written the post about being The Perfect Fit so in true form there were indeed a few jokes made and a definite reference to the fact that one day, this too will be a funny story.
The Perfect Fit
August 29, 2008
Andy and I are like everyone else who is married. We have had knock down drag out fights disagreements throughout the short course of our 4 year marriage. Sometimes they can be put to rest quickly, others have taken years to recover from. If you know Andy and I then I think you can say that we sometimes can be a tad bit on the sarcastic side. Alright, that’s a lie. We are really, really that way. Like a lot. Of course there have been times when it has had no right place in the conversation. But with us, if we can laugh through it then it seems to make it easier to get through. Example: When I was in labor with Bella…and had been in labor with Bella on our couch for 7 hrs…and my contractions were 1 minute apart…and Andy decided that we needed to stop by the gas station to get some snacks for himself on the way to the hospital…and I told him that if I had the baby in the car I refused to name it Tahoe…and that if I didn’t have my hands white-knuckled clinching around the handle bar on the dashboard that I would open hand slap him in the face…
I was a little mad at the time. Andy was laughing. I can still remember him telling me how funny I was. Looking back, I guess I was pretty funny. I like that story now. It makes me remember how great we can be together.
With our last time that we got really pissed at each other had an adult discussion, the next morning showed me once again just how right we are for each other. It was in the wee hours of the morning (aka 8:30…yes that is early for me and yes, I am already looking into hiring a personal driver when Bella actually has to start school). Andy rolled over in bed and put his arm around me…
Me: I don’t want to talk to you.
Andy: You don’t have to, you just have to love me.
Me: I can do that.
Andy: And I can forgive you for being wrong all the time.
Me: I suppose I will continue to allow you to take advantage of the kind, giving, loving spirit that I have.
Andy: And I suppose that I will continue to allow you to live in my house.
Me: Done.
I don’t know anyone else who would consider that to be a solid, complete, happy ending to an evening of bickering and fighting. But for us, it just fits.
My List (Inspired by Andrea Schmid/No Great Thing)
August 18, 2008
Ok, so I just read a post by sweet, pregnant, previously displaced, darling Andrea Schmid on her blog which is one that I just love to read. The post was about living in the joys and hopes of today in and of itself. Great post called Right Now. She inspired me to make a list of things that I love, enjoy, appreciate and honor right now…today…just where I am. I would like to think that I am someone who doesn’t need a whole lot to make me thankful, yet I would be lying if I said that I don’t ever take what I have been given for granted. That’s just simply not true. Here we go…
Right now, 4 ft. in front of me on the floor is my daughter who thinks I am the greatest Mom ever for giving her a bowl of frozen juice and fruit that I blended up yesterday. She has mastered chipping away at the frozen mass with a big girl spoon because she s getting smarter by the minute. Better yet, she just told me she needed to pee-pee and I was met with a perfectly dry Pull-up and a perfectly full training potty. She is so content, so happy, so dry and life is good. She is growing, learning and changing at this very second. Every heart beat in her tiny chest and every breath in and out of her lungs is a sweet, precious gift. She has hopes for her snuggle time with Daddy on the floor in front of our bed and cannot wait for him to walk in the door. She looks at me with those big brown eyes that know she is loved, she is beautiful, she is smart and she can do anything she sets her mind to do.
My day began with seeing my husband rise from bed long before he was ready to get up, to go work hard at a job where lives are challenged and changed. Only to end his 10+ hr. day with a workout at the gym so that he can stay healthy and able to take care of us for very, very long time. I sit here on our awesome couch, in our amazing home knowing that I am loved, honored, needed and appreciated by a man who I truly, truly admire. Our lack of perfection in life that keeps us full of the need for God’s unending grace is a unique and real connection that he and I share. We are so far from perfect, but at least we are there together, doing the best we can with all we have been given.
I see the rain drizzling on our parched backyard that is twice the size of our very first home (which doesn’t say a lot if you could have seen the size of that place). I look out onto a back porch that holds great significance to me. There have been hours of laughter as well as hours of tears on that back porch. God has shown up in that backyard more than once, sometimes for us and sometimes for others. In just a little while, when our crazy little woman is snuggled under her pink blankie in her bed, that porch will be filled with music and irreplaceable time spent with my husband learning more and more about life and each other.
Where I sit now is in the middle of a home where God has made it clear in so many ways over the last year that He is God. That has come in painful ways as well as moments of pure joy. I am a different person than I was the first time I sat on this couch as it arrived brand new in our unpacked home just 13 1/2 months ago. Yet today, with all of the ups and downs we have had in this home, I sit here as someone who knows there are many things I do not know however sure of 1 thing. God is God. Even when it hurts and even when it is inexplicably amazing. There have been times on this very couch when God being God was not very fun. In fact it really, really hurt and it was really, really hard and parts of it just sucked. But He knows better than I do and it is what it is. At the end of it all, He loves me more than I could ever begin to imagine and He knows what I need more than I do. Today I sit inside of a home that I love knowing that God is God and that is more than good enough for me.
So I take from today these things that I know to be true and those that are precious gifts. Nothing major may happen today. Just more laundry and dishes. However when I stop and think about it I can see that today is amazing in more ways than I can count. At the end of it, today will come and go. However I don’t ever want to forget that the true gift is that today even happened at all. Thanks Andrea, I needed that.
