The Terrible Truth…
February 11, 2009
I don’t want to say it…I especially don’t want to write it…but in my heart I know I need to.
I have not done my best.
For my husband. For my family. For my daughter. For myself.
I don’t know when it all happened. I think it was a slow progression when certain things I used to hold as very important to keep in order slowly didn’t seem so important anymore. I am not a bad wife. I am not a bad mother. I hope I am not a bad friend. I just want to be my best. Not The best. That would be impossible. My best.
Taking care of my house as a treasured gift to have. Supporting and loving my husband no matter what his response or lack there of may be and holding him at all times in respect for the man, friend and leader that he is. Investing and soaking up every precious moment with my little girl who with every short tempered word I may speak when frustration sets in holds just as much if not more value to her than every love filled I Love You that I give her.
I feel the need to admit that more often than I want to think I have taken advantage of all I have been given. I thnk we all do. But I don’t want to be that way anymore. You never know when the things you treasure most will change or possibly not be yours to treasure any longer. I want to fully embrace each moment as a gift, making the most out of each and every opportunity and I just haven’t been living that way.
So what have I done to change that? I made a list. A list of things that I know are important to my husband, to my daughter, to others I care for and also to myself. Some of the things on my list are things I am excited to do, while others are not easy for me to do nor do I necessarily want to do them. But at the end of the day, they are things that I need to do and I know that the outcome of being diligent in them all come back to one thing: Doing the absolute best with what I have been given. All of which I do not deserve. Strange to be excited about getting some more discipline in my life…I guess that’s how you know God is up to something.
The Not-So-Christmas Time-Christmas Letter
January 9, 2009
Long past due, yet here it is…
2008….Oh 2008. You went by so very quickly yet you were a year for the books.
For the Tilly’s 2008 started out in a bit if a haze. Lot’s of learning and hard lessons had come at the end of 2007 that left us sort of walking around trying to figure out which way was up. Yet as strange as I am sure that sounds, January 1st of 2008 marked the beginning of a year that was going to be packed full of some life-changing firsts and a few regrettable seconds and thirds. In it all, the theme for 2008 for our little family was learning and living in knowing that God is God and God is good…in all things.
Bella turned 2 in late January of 2008. What a crazy little woman she has become with her 3rd birthday just around the corner. The last year she has started to really show who Isabella Grace Tilly is going to be. We still have the picture that our dear friend for life Evan took of her the day that we moved into this house. In June we celebrated the year anniversary of that day and it was really strange to think it had already been a year and I was still waiting for it to feel like home. Once the traveling schedule for Andy slowed down a little and he was here more it started to finally feel like we were settled for a season. Being at Crosstimbers has been a blessing and we are enjoying the process. Having Andy home this much during the last year for the first time in our marriage has had its rewards and challenges, yet it is a season that I will truly treasure in the years to come when I know him coming home each day to have dinner and sleep in our bed will simply not always be the case.
As I said, 2008 was a year of firsts for us. Of course so was 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004. I guess that’s just how life is laid out for Andy and I. We celebrated our first year in our home. I had my first opportunity to cook for people on a regular basis and loved it. I am still trying to get the confidence to get myself out there and do it some more. We did host our first family holiday at Thanksgiving where the meal turned out pretty good if I might say so myself. Andy and I took our first trip to Italy which was nothing short of amazing. We had our first round of family-pass-the-vomit-bug and that was interesting. I started writing my first book. I had my first EKG (which was a humilaiting experience to say the least, yet I was pleased to have found no issues other than the Dr’s office probably thinking I was just a pain-pill junkie since there was never a reason found for the stabbing pain in my chest). I had my first Big Girl Night with my precious Bella which led to many Big Girl Days where I watched her order her first lunch on her own and tell the waitress “Thank you fo my lunch boy”. I cooked with her for the first time. Saw her learn to play soccer, dig up worms in the backyard only to re-bury them hoping they would turn into snakes, and of course learn to play catch with a pair of my panties while her and Andy both snickered at my humiliation. Bella also had her first “Skunking Daddy” experience when she caught 2 fish at the lake and he did not. That was truly a moment near and dear to my own heart. We bought our first car as a married couple. Handy Andy made his most impressive appearances to date with installing a hot water heater in 107 degree heat in our attic the night before Father’s Day, single-handedly hooking up our new dishwasher and of course completing a successful overhaul of our guest bathroom toilet and the sheetrock behind it.
More firsts…We got a glimpse of more of God’s promises coming true for us this last year as well. God ended up having more plans for us at Crosstimbers than we had originally thought when Andy accepted the position to take over the leadership of the kids ministry in addition to the youth. It was an easy choice with so many great people already in place. So much growth and learning has come with the leadership opportunities at Crosstimbers , but also a very exciting open door came with a simple phone call…Featured Speaker: Andy Tilly Falls Creek 2009. Our goal to reach as many people as possible in the most effective way is coming true in more ways at once than we had thought. Visions and dreams that were given to us years and years ago…we have seen parts of them come into reality. More times this year than in years before my breath has been taken away. I would like to say that some of the hurtful situations that come up while being in leadership were in the “firsts” category but that is just not true. They were not the first and they will surely not be the last. But it’s just part of the job and at the end of the day, God knows the hearts in each and every situation and it is His job to take care of business. Not mine.
2008 was a great year. It was tough, exciting, challenging and unexpected all at the same time. 2009 is here and already on it’s way to be the best year yet. I am truly thankful for all that we have lived in years past and also for what I know we will see in our years to come.
Friends
December 18, 2008
I must admit that even though there are a lot of places where Andy and I are alike, one place that we are not is his ability to maintain relationships with people over long periods of time despite any physical distance between them. Several months ago I finally got to spend some time with a dear friend of Andy’s named David. David and Andy first met in like the 5th grade and to this day, when times get though they are still there for eachother even though they are now both in their 30’s with busy lives of their own (that’s right if you read this Andy…I said that you are in your 30’s because you are). I on the other hand, even though I know that a few of my longtime friends would not hesitate to find me if they needed me, I know for a few more that isn’t true.
I can say that some of the relationships that I had to let go were for the better. Some I truly, truly miss. I know how ridiculous this sounds but through Facebook I have been able to step out there and maintain better contact with those that I would like to restore a closeness with. But the truth of it is that even though I can be in contact with those few from the past through wall posts and status updates, I found myself aching for the closeness of a true friend who I can see, laugh with and sit across from at lunch while we wipe the snotty noses of our kids with tissues we pull from our hoodie pockets. Now don’t get me wrong, there are lots and lots of people who I really like and enjoy spending time with and getting to know. But finding that person who I can melt to when I have failed as a wife or mother, who I can vent to when the stresses of marriage and being in ministry get to me, or who I can laugh with at something totally inappropriate and not have to think twice about it has been tough. I don’t think that’s just me. I think that most people who have found themselves having to build relationships from scratch as an adult can relate. Finding someone who understands life in the fish-bowl makes the challenge all the more interesting.
A few months ago God must have noticed that I was drowning in loneliness and torturing my husband in the process by expecting him to be provider, partner, husband and best gal-pal all at the same time and gave He me a holy kick in the tail to get me moving on finding someone to really connect with. I couldn’t be more thrilled to have found someone down here who’s humor, husband, child and life is so similar to mine. We can grocery shop together, spank our kids together, appreciate the awesomeness of the most amazing blender ever made together and almost burn up dinner in the oven after forgetting that we were cooking anything together. (BTW, thank you to my new friend. And also I am posting this on your wall on Facebook, sending it to you in an email, reading it to you on your voicemail, leaving it in a note in your car, arranging for you to have it tattooed on your body and sending you a singing telegram of this post. Joking…but seriously Bella is currently throwing a massive fit after I opened the front door and she realized that your son was not on the other side of it even though she spent the entire day with him yesterday.)
I am writing all of this because I wish that a little over a year ago when I was in a very dark and very sad place in my life that I had come across a post like this. Something coming from someone who knows what it’s like to be married to a life where it can be lonely at the top and the question of “Who can I possibly talk to” is an everyday occurance. To those of you who are in the same position of the hunt for true friendship in the midst of ministry and life in the fish-bowl I will tell you there is something to be said for going with your gut when God might be bringing someone your way. Isolation, ministry and loneliness can be a very, very dangerous combination and I know that first hand. Getting to truly know someone new is an odd process and I am still in it. It doesn’t happen overnight and it takes effort. However, it feels much better than it does to not have taken the chance.
Am I stressed about Christmas shopping? No…because we don’t do any.
December 3, 2008
First of all, Andy and I aren’t big present people. In fact, we are those people who barely even get each other an actual birthday present. Rather we opt for a vacation of some sort. That way we both get to enjoy it! However I will say Andy has asked for a vacation by himself for his birthday…which yes did really make me mad. But that’s just Andy, bless his quirky little heart. We are also those people who are unfortunately known for never bringing a present to an event where 7 out of 10 people brought a present. Basically, if the invitation isn’t for some sort of baby or wedding shower then we probably aren’t going to think to bring anything. It’s not like we do it on purpose, I just think that since we aren’t present people we really don’t even remotely think about it. Bad habit I guess, but with us it’s more about the time and the people and not about what we get from someone else. But that’s just the way we are. Andy and I are alike in so many ways and I love it…most of the time. I guess we figure that even if we are odd, we are perfectly odd together.
Our first Christmas together we decided to spend $150 on each other at the last minute. And by last minute I mean on Christmas Eve. Andy got me a candle, some shampoo and conditioner and some clothes I think that I took back. I got him a gym bag that he hated and never even used…not once, and a few shirts, one of which he actually liked and the others he took back as well so no, it wasn’t just me. Oh yea, I got him a Pin-Pong paddle too but that was more to show him that I knew he had been playing Ping-Pong with his buddy Mark at random times during the day when he had told me he had “meetings” for work. Anyway, after that year we kind of decided not to worry about it and just relax during the holiday. I should say we started buying gifts for at least our kid when she was born, yet that isn’t true. We just figured so many people give her presents that we will allow them to take all of the credit and joy…and debt on that deal. I think this year we might need to get her at least something. But honestly more than 2 gifts and I would be shocked.
I think as a family this year (The Kuykendall’s) we are kicking any present buying for anyone but the little ones and I am excited about. I couldn’t tell you what I would even ask for as a gift for Christmas anyway. I just don’t think about it. We are looking into the whole Advent Conspiracy thing and that is right up my alley. It’s funny that Christians do Christmas just like the rest of America…shouldn’t that be like the ONE holiday where we look different that everyone else? And not just by adding a Christmas Eve service to the mass chaos this season has turned into? Anyway, that’s just me.
Choices
August 13, 2008
With me, when I have to make a hard choice the term “Sucks” is most commonly used. I have a pretty crappy attitude when I have to deal with the nitty-gritty soul searching that comes with making a tough decision. I just don’t like it.
Last night I had to make a really hard decision. Today I know I made the right one. But I did not in any way, shape, form or stretch of the imagination enjoy any single shred of the process. The extreme puffiness of my eyes today is a good sign of the battle between “Me and The” (as my husband so amazingly put it at Crosstimbers 2 weekends ago) that I had going on in our living room last night. I had an opportunity to take a job where I would have had a chance to see if I could make it at becoming The Best at something that I have wanted to do since I was a kid. However, at the end of my 7 hrs. of questioning, doubting and weighing pro-and cons I decided that I am still in a season where I need to be working on being My Best for my husband, my daughter and for myself.
Today, I know I made the right choice. I feel good, yet I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t disappointed that it wasn’t going to happen for me this time around. But you know what is great about making a really hard choice? It’s the fact that we even have the opportunity and freedom in life of choice itself. I know I have done what is wise for this season in my life and in my marriage. I also know that God did give me the dream, the talent and the vision that I have inside of me that will one day meet with the perfect opportunity and I will get to live it. Until then, I am good. I am happy. I am content. I am going to choose to learn. I am going to choose to laugh. I am going to choose to love. I am going to choose to live today as today and await all of the tomorrows to come with excitement and anticipation.
And Scene…
Words…Just a little honesty for you
August 7, 2008
Alright, so I have been known to be pretty vicious at times in my life with the things that have come out of my mouth. Now, I am not someone who says mean, awful things to people for no reason. In fact, if I am around someone who is just outright hateful in a general way of life sort of way I am more than likely going to be the first person to call it to attention. I don’t like to be around people who are hurtful or just out right crappy with the things that they say to people. It’s kind of funny to know that is true about me with what I am about to write in this post…
So yes, I do not like people who say hateful things or have a terrible attitude towards others. However, times when I have felt hurt or threatened in the heat of an argument with someone close to me…I shutter when I recall some of the things that I have said.
To my Mom.
To my Dad.
To my Brother.
To my closest friends.
To my Husband.
Funny that so many people, such as myself, seem to think in a self-righteous kind of way that just because we would never, ever say anything to damage someone who we hardly know then it is ok to overlook the relationships where words can cause the most damage. When I sit back and think about it, things that have truly hurt my heart in my life that have been said to me or about me have come from the mouths of those closest to me. Why wouldn’t I see that each of those people could and probably have added me to their list of hurtful things that have been done/said to them in their own lives? It is very easy to at the drop of a hat throw out something that Andy may have said to me in the past the truly hurt my heart and hold onto it for whenever I choose to pull it out of reserve. However how does it feel to know that his list of terrible things I have said to him is far longer than mine that he has said to me? Really, really crappy. Like seriously crappy. Because it’s true. It is true.
I have decided that out of all of the things that I wish I didn’t do anymore this is in the top 3. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Now, I will say that I have greatly improved this in my life as far as I am concerned but I am at the point now where I just don’t ever, ever want to do it again. No matter what the situation is. Even if I am right to feel angry or hurt. Even if…
It’s just not ok.
A Tribute to My Hero
August 4, 2008
I never wanted to be someone who lived life in the mindset of doing things that classify asThat’s Just What You Do things. However a few weeks ago I looked up and saw that I had started to live that way. I was beginning to think back to who I used to be before I had to be a grown up. Not childhood stuff, but non-mom/wife days. To me, that is a very, very dangerous place to be. Seriously, to me that’s called Unfinished Business. Now, if I know anything its that Unfinished Business can be one of the most devastating things to someone as a person, as a parent and especially to a marriage. People with too much of that laying around are the ones who more than likely end up making some pretty stupid choices once they finally get fed up with only having the thoughts of the ‘Member When’s and the What if I had Just’s and they decide to act on it. Dangerous.
Just over the last week I have made what I think is a life-changing decision: I want to stay excited about life.
I think there is a difference between being mature/responsible and missing out on who you were made to be. I am just now learning that I can still be me and also be Andy’s wife and Bella’s mom. The last 3 1/2 years have been quite the ride for me. I am happy to say that I think I am finally starting to get my life. Doing things the way that Andy and I did has made for some very difficult/satisfying/frustrating/exciting/terrifying/over-joyous times over our short marriage. I had begun to let that bother me. That my life was not like everyone else’s. That I don’t know the first thing about raising a child. That I still have to work at figuring out who I really am. That I don’t have it all together and I am going to be 28 next year. That I don’t feel like a grown up at all. That I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. Thinking that way had slowly started to stand in the way of me being truly happy.
Recently it hit me. I have never been someone who had to have it all figured out before I made a decision. I have never needed to do things like everyone else. So why in the world was I trying to do that now?
I have decided that I want the unknown. I want the challenges. I want the up-rooting. I want the changes. I don’t want the norm. I don’t want the answers. I don’t need to know what’s next. I just want to live life and be excited about what lies ahead. I used to be that way…
I think that for now, as long as I know that God is God, even if I may still not know exactly what that means, well I want that to be enough for me. I may always be learning about who God is, but I do know who He says I am.
Once again, Even If…Even If Not…
The Bubble Popper
June 18, 2008
God is good.
Now, I know that line sounds like it should be coming from someone very spiritual. I however, am not. I hope this isn’t shocking to anyone who might read this. In fact over the last few days I have started to become rather nervous about how many people actually read this blog. What if I say something that bothers someone? What if some part of something I write makes someone think differently about my husband or my family? Either way, if you are someone who has an illusion of what Pastor’s Wives or Pastor’s Daughters should be like, then I am sorry to tell you that I just may be someone who might easily pop that bubble for you.
I am starting to think that my reason for believing God is good is based on something different than people might assume. To me, God is good because of what He knows about me but still keeps giving me more and more blessings in my life. (Be forewarned, the following statements might be bubble-poppers for some of you…)
He knows that I have a mouth on me that could make a construction worker blush. He knows that I have a temper that has left people wounded in my wake at times in my life. He knows that when I get hurt by someone, I have been know to use my words in a devastating way. He knows the stories from my past that I hope I never have to see my daughter go through for herself. He knows how often I am not thankful for all that I have been given. He knows how many times I have questioned Him and His desire to help me. He knows how many times I have been angry with Him. He knows all of the times I have turned away and tried to do it on my own…to be honest the last time was more recent than I want to admit.
My point is, God is good in my mind because I am just not. I am probably the last person who anyone would have ever thought would be married to a Pastor. But I guess that my husband is one of the last people that anyone would have thought would be a Pastor…So we are a good fit. However, isn’t that what it’s really all about anyway? I guess I see it that if you have it all together, then what do you need God for? In fact, “Having it all together” is such a foreign concept to me that I don’t even know that I would recognize it if it jumped up and slugged me right in the face. But I do know that God is Who He Says He is. He loves me like He says He does. At the end of the day, all I can do is try the best that I can and do the best with what I have been given.
Just being honest…
